and its another cold dank day in Texas (currently 35f/2c), which is unbelievable. Just 2 days ago it was in the high 60’s and prior to that it had been in the low 70’s.  Cannot believe how cold it has been in Pflugerville this winter, almost like being back in Scotland but not quite- they never got 70’s in the winter!

Well, the female saga continues but now I am just resigned to going with the flow, in that the flow that was predicted by the ingestion of a pill (provera) has not materialised. It could still come in theory but in general it occurs about 4-7 days after the cessation of taking the hormone. Today is day 7 and still no sign of Aunt Flo. So I am not sure what this will mean but given that it looks like, despite still producing estrogen (probably because I am too fat), I am actually menopausal, so my fibroids should not be growing.   Will have to wait until the 9th March to find out.

In the meantime,  I am starting a new job, sitting at my pc at home.  For 4 hrs each day apart from Saturday, I will be working from home and believe it or not, actually being paid more than I was at Joann’s.  If it works out, it will be ideal, no travelling costs, comfortable surroundings and a regular focus each day.  You couldn’t ask for more really.

as just got my blood test results and it seems the saga continues-when will menopause actually begin?  I am sick of the night sweats every ******* night, the  hot flashes and not knowing when its going to end.  Who knew that no periods didn’t mean menopause but peri menopause which has now being going on for nearly 10 yrs! I hate my ******* body and the hormones that are controlling it now.

Now, I have the added bonus of being freezing every morning because I sweat so much my night clothes are soaked and in the evenings I alternate between being freezing and boiling hot!  One minute I have to have blanket covering me because I am so cold and the next I am getting hyper anxious because a hot flash has arrived where sweat literally drips off my face!  I have resisted HRT because I keep on being told- I am at the end- I am peri menopause-just a few more months. Like ******* hell!  Now I have growing fibroids and everything I read tells me HRT will only increase their size.  I don’t need that, I am big enough already without multiple growths.  I am feeling like Pig Sh*t at the moment.  I really am convinced that being a gynecologist is akin to being a voodoo doctor because they really don’t know anymore than I do what is going on with my body at the moment!!!!!!!!!

On Tuesday I had a routine check up with Dr Smith, the gyn/onc I saw in the late summer and I really thought this would be the end of all that crap! She seemed confident, after all I appear to be in menopause but no other issues.  After my exam, she looked at my last ultrasound results and said I think we should have another ultrasound, just to make sure those fibroids are getting smaller.  I should of sensed then, this was not the end.  Seems my fibroids aren’t getting smaller but larger however, it might be that although I am not ovulating I am still producing estrogen which is what fuels fibroids.  Actually that makes sense as I am very overweight which tends to make you produce more estrogen and if the fibroids are increasing, that is probably the reason my weight is going up despite all the exercise I am doing at the moment.

Reminds of the time, my thyroid stopped functioning.  That  was the first time I went to Weighwatchers and kept religiously to the diet, so much so it made me really depressed, especially when I didn’t lose any weight. On top of that I was suffering from all the side effects of an underactive thyroid,  violent moods swings which Alan bore the brunt of, feeling constantly cold and sleeping around the clock!

Anyhow, hopefully a course of Provera will help. Must admit I hated going on Provera last time but if it works, it better than the alternative, a hysterectomy.  Maybe this year, I will finally get my female parts sorted.  Seems to have been an ongoing saga ever since 2001 when the hot flushes and bad cramps started.  Thought the ablation might have helped but that just seems to have added to my problems.  At least,  its not cancer- after 3 biopsies I think that can be ruled out!

In 12 hours a New Year will begin and a new Decade will commence. What will it bring? Who knows but its bounds to be interesting?

10 yrs ago at this time, we were standing as a family, waiting for the new millennium as well as a new decade to come in, watching an Abba tribute band play in Perth Scotland. We already knew we were in for an exciting time as Gordon had earlier announced to the Kids that we moving to Austin, Texas, some time in the coming months for a short 14 month contract whilst waiting for the new fab in Dunfermline to open.

If we had know then what we know now, I doubt we would have been so excited or even wanted to go, so its fortunate, life is never set in stone because then we would never try anything.

Christmas 1999

Elisabeth is not in this picture as she was taking it.

2000

This is me, on our first week of arriving in Austin, checking the landscape

This was at Mount Bonnell and it was hot (for us). Little did we know that this was not hot!

Emily, as a sweet 10 yr, loving her new life.

Look how young and eager we all looked, although truth be told, I am not so sure, Elisabeth is as eager as everyone else. Why would she be, almost 15 and her life had been abruptly turned upside down.

Since that summer and the beginning of our adventure in Texas, we have been through many ups and downs. Somehow, we have survived and more to the point, the kids have managed to negotiate life despite being handicapped with parents who mindset is still pretty much governed by their experiences of being young in the UK.

Whatever, the new Decade brings I am sure it will be full of fun, excitement, drama and hair pulling.

Happy New Year from  Me and my Family to everyone

Yesterday was a traumatic day. Emily got the result of her portfolio review – 87 which seems high plus the 86 that she manage to get in her technical exam but seemingly it wasn’t enough. She didn’t make the photography course to complete her degree.  So now its almost like starting over again as everything has been geared towards the photography degree for the last 2.5 yrs.  Because each degree has unique credits, a good many of the credits she has so far will not be able to be carried over to her new major whatever that turns outs to be.

Yesterday she was so devastated that she was considering going in a completely different direction – international relations. I hope she changes her mind as that will definitely add another couple of years on to her degree – ie several thousands of $.  As she only has 3 semesters and a summer being financed by us, that will mean she will be up to her eyes in debt before she even starts.  Not even sure what you do with an international relations degree.  Apparently she wants a degree with job prospects but not sure international relations will necessarily lead to that sort of  certainty. Can any degree do that?

Degrees in the UK seem so much more straightforward, although now there are fees to be paid in at least English Universities, I am sure they are not as uncomplicated as when Gordon and I did our degrees.  Here, the courses seem designed to earn as much money from them as they can.  No re sits over here, if you fail, you do it again, pay again and continue paying until you pass.

I must admit I was confused by the whole, do and pass  a written exam before you submit your portfolio because surely there are some students regardless of how much they study for the written exam, will never make a high enough grade (80 or higher) to make it in the program.  Actually for Emily to get pass the portfolio review, she would of actually needed a 94 as the overall score needed to get into the program is 90. So if you got by the seat of your pants with an 80, you would need a perfect score for your portfolio.  So really unless you are academically inclined and know you are going to get a high 90 in the written exam, there is not much point in applying.

Ca la vie- there are other ways of getting into photography if you are determined enough. A lot of its not really about talent but the balls to go out there and seize the moment. As I have never done that  ( well when I was in college maybe  but not even then really, I have always been the mousy type), taking my advice will only fall on deaf ears.  Of course, if Gordon said ‘ yeah, leave college for a year or 2, travel the world and have an adventure’ my kids would follow that advice to the end of the world.  Of course he wont say, he will advice her to stay the course, do the fiber course she had said was her fall back plan and then travel the world.  He is so much better at giving advise than me, because he doesn’t let his heart rule his head.

Well I had a horrible nights sleep in that I couldn’t sleep! Eventually I got up and browsed the internet for a few hours – returning to bed at 5.40am. The alarm went off at 6 am and I was still no nearer sleep. Gordon went to work and I still couldn’t sleep , so I got up and fed the animals.  Ate breakfast and then returned to bed at 7.15am. About 15 mins later I must have finally fallen to sleep as I had horrible dream and my head hurt throughout no doubt because in my dream I had problem with my head.

The dream started with my oldest daughter visiting.  As I was talking to her  I realised, my hair was falling out. I went to the mirror to check it out and as I moved my hair, I saw that I had a huge hole in my head and I could see my brain. By this time, my head was throbbing really badly. I told Gordon and Elisabeth and said I wanted to go to the Doctor. However, Gordon ignored my plea to take me to the Doctor straight away as I had an appointment with him later that day.  Instead he wanted to go somewhere with Elisabeth. I chose to stay at home, constantly checking my head.The wound was getting bigger by the minute and starting to swell. I decided I needed to get Gordon to take me to the hospital. So I began to walk after him. Eventually I found him but by that time the swelling was affecting my speech and my mouth was foaming.

At this point my Nan appears with my Aunt. They decide they will take charge and they take me to the hospital. As I wait, my head feels like it is about to explode and actually a large lump has appeared at the top of my head like something ( a tree root) is growing from it. I remember that that few weeks back I had what seemed like bug bites on my head. I was panicking by now and went to find my Nan but she had disappeared as had my Aunt.

I went to information desk to ask about a doctor. The person at the counter indicated to a room where I dash in. I sat for a while as other people came in. No one was being served and then the women in front started to do something ( I can’t remember what) but she was a member of staff. All the other staff members gathered around her. The situation was cleared up and they begun to tend to people. I tried to get their attention but they ignored me as I didn’t have the right paper work.

That was the end of the dream as I remember it. The one theme that seems to be constant is that Gordon is getting a bad rap from my dreams.  He really isn’t  bad

In that time Gordon and Alan have been to Scotland and back.

I must admit I had been looking forward to Gordon being away for a week but by the end of it, I was more than happy to see him back.  I realised when he was away, how much my life completely revolves around him. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised after living with him for 25yrs but I really didn’t know to what extend my happiness depends on him being there.

The loneliness was truly unbearable.  I know some people might think I exaggerate my loneliness sometimes but in the week he was away, I had physical contact with one person and that was my personal trainer for 50 mins for 2 occasions . (not counting the 2 clowns who did the garden that week!) For some reason since moving over here, I have just not become part of a social circle.

Part of the reason being that Gordon hates living in the same area as the people who he works with for some reason, thence living in the back of beyond Pflugerville, rather than Circle C or Round Rock where all the other expats ended up living.

Back in Scotland, the kids belonged to a few clubs, mostly swimming and they had grown with the other kids of the school.  In Scotland you waited outside the school and chatted to all other mums as you waited. Here you sit in your car, waiting for the kids to come out.  I tried to encouraged them to join in with various activities but  none of them like any of the clubs they joined over here.

Again because of Gordon, we rarely have people over for dinner and drinks as he hates all that stuff, although he quite enjoys going to other people’s houses.Sometimes I think he must be really ashamed of our home or me, who knows but entertaining is not part of the deal.  God forbid I actually have a party!

I thought working might help but as all I ended up with was retail where everyone works weird hours, that never happened either as it difficult to arrange a social event when no one knows when they are working from one week to another!

Anyway, Gordon being away was not the sterling success I had been hoping for.  It didn’t help that I decided that was the week I would attempt to give up the sleeping pills.  I was hoping that without Gordon’s  snoring annoying me, I might get into some sort of sleeping pattern.  Alas, that has not really happened either! The most I can sleep for is about 2 hrs, mostly its just over an hour a time.  I wake up, then the night sweat begins and soon my bedding is soaking as the sweat drips ff my body. The night sweat subsides and then I am freezing because the bed is damp. Eventually, I will drift off again, only to go through the cycle a few more times until its time to get up.

Sometimes the reason I know I have slept, even if it doesn’t feel like it, is because of the very vivid dreams I am having. I have been meaning to write them down and last night I managed to scribble down some notes of one very vivid dream and here it is:

We were in an old house, in the living room. Gordon wanted to see Stephen Colbert and the Daily show. Throughout the show he slept and snored (loudly). Whilst he was sleeping I and Emily looked through the cabinets of the room which was actually Aunt Jean’s house. They were full of beautiful memories and I was surprised they were still there and had not be cleared out by her nieces.

All this time Gordon snored. As I listened I became increasingly frustrated with him and started to punch him. The more he snored, the harder I punched him.  I was becoming very angry and irritated by this time. Eventually he woke up but by then the show had finished. He was really annoyed and demanded to see the show again. I complained fiercely but he wouldn’t listen, saying I was being unreasonable as it wasn’t his fault that he slept and snored. I gave in and the show starts, Within minutes he is asleep and snoring again.

In frustration I go outside, running to somewhere but with no real direction. I realise as I am running I want to use the rest room and I remember that down an alley I had seen a sign for one. the road I was on, was like one from my childhood and in London, leading to a railway station.  The alley was uphill and cobblestone. I hate going uphill and am exhausted by the time I get to the top. I find the restroom which is at the top of the alley and inside is a large fountain (toilet) with a long river like pond. It was beautiful but not very practical.  Somehow, I end up soaked trying to go the toilet but I really don’t care as I am so happy to be in this restroom.

So that was my dream, very mixed up, like many of them are but at least this wasn’t a frightening one.  I have had a few of those in the last few weeks as well.

I think I will be noting more of my dreams if I can remember them as I usually find that I am searching for something if my dreams are vivid. Maybe this will become my dream journal

Actually as I wrote this, I noticed that the title of my blog is incorrectly spelt as it has the ‘F’ missing. How embarrassing!