with me.  I really don’t know why but suddenly it has dawn on me that I am 51 and that all the people I think are lot older than me, are actually  at or near my age.  Somehow that has made me feel old and now I know why my Nan dreaded going into sheltered housing – to live with OLD people, she would disgustedly say. She so distressed by that move.  She was in her late 70’s and was never happy in that place.

I saw a blog entry this morning as life as stages and I will use Jan’s stages but put down my idea of those stages:

Childhood:  everything  is a puzzle and wonder.  Your Parents or immediate adults are your world, you would be bereft without them.  Its the time in your life where you are restricted by others and taught rules to live by.  If you have siblings, they are often your best and worst friends. Emotions are fleeting and passionate. 

Adolescence: everything is amazing and possible. Adults are  a restriction and impediment to your goals.  Your goals are lofty and often not rooted in reality.  You become aware of the real world, that depresses you but not enough to stop you dreaming the impossible.  

Freedom:  when did that happen? For me it was moving away from home to go college, getting  a check book, the first pay stub, the first hangover that lasts for days, not the hours when you drunk illicitly as a teenager.  Paying bills and getting into debt because no-one really knows how to manage money when they first start out ,(maybe you did, but I didn’t). Piling on as many blankets as possible to keep warm in the winter so you can eek out that 50p in the meter.  Falling in and out of love.  Basically the freedom to make your life your own, even if its a mess sometimes.

Middle age:  That happened when my kids became teenagers so I imagine that is when responsibility became an issue.  Maybe it came earlier but it really kicked in then.  For them, everything is amazing and possible. Adults are  a restriction and impediment to their goals.  Their goals are lofty and often not rooted in reality.  You become aware of the real world.   Drugs, drinking, teenagers with depression, boys, girls.  Suddenly all the things I enjoyed at that age became a threat, a weight on my shoulders.  Everything that was a joy became a big dark cloud.

My current age: is undetermined!  In my head I am  teenager who has dreams and aspirations just as I did when I was teenager.  My body however, is telling me that I am wrecking myself!  I look in the mirror and see mounds of fat and loose skin.  I have a hairy chin – something to me when I was younger meant you were old!  My bones hurt and crack.  If its not my elbow that hurts, its my hands that hurt. If it not my hips, its my knees that hurt.  But that is my body and my mind is not ready to accept the fact I am not a teenager anymore, that is why I am shocked when I see people around me, the same or nearly the same age as me, are old.  Do I really look that old and worn out? 

So why the sudden realisation that I am 51?   Even getting to 50 didn’t phase me, none of my other ‘event’ birthday bother me.  To be honest, even getting to 51 in August, didn’t bother me but suddenly over Christmas, it struck me that I am 51 and that I  really don’t  that long to fulfil all those dreams and aspirations as the last 51 yrs have gone by in flash.  If I am lucky I might get another good 30yrs but genes tell otherwise.

So really, what I need to do is concentrate on the dreams and aspirations rather dwelling  on my age!