A new stage in Life

This is me - aged 53

Well, I thought it was time to round off my blog at the end of last year and actually got it published via blog2print.  So that part of my life is now on a shelve, not forgotten but not active any more.

So this is the time for me to develop myself as a person instead of being a wife or mother which has led to me neglecting myself over the years.  Not that it was my husband or my kids fault, that was the life I chose to lead.   Many, many, many times over the years I have wondered about the wisdom of that decision and whether it was decision or not. However the truth is I made the life I have and its not the one I want any more.  So now I need to get on the path where I want to be.

To begin I need to update my image of myself.  In my head I am still that shy slightly awkward 20 yr old who somehow ended up at art school.  Everything about it, intimidated me, the place, the art and most importantly the people.  I had an eating disorder that no one knew about and didn’t actually stop until my 2nd child was born.

this is me aged 20/21 Note I am wearing a maternity dress which I did for the best part of my teens and early 20s. Nobody questioned this, why?

My Mother who I love, intimidated me as she was like a lioness protecting her young, which meant she controlled my life.  But I was happy with that at the time, it gave me security from the big bad ugly world.

That big ugly world became only too real, just before I turned 22 and I was raped.  I was a virgin.  I never told anyone until I met my husband and confided in him.  I still haven’t told  my parents and sisters about that night. To honest, I really don’t remember but obviously it had an effect on me as I then went out and into the bed of any guy who was interested.  Fortunately I met Gordon and then the kids came along.

I will admit I have kind of drifted in life and had no real ambition but I am sure as a kid I did have that drive somewhere but it got lost somewhere along the way.  Now I have to find it again and I know it going to be tough finding that person again, after basically all my adult life neglecting it.  So this will be an exploration of this journey.

The new title of my blog is an exactly my life at the moment – looking out the window of my office,  watching life go by. Its time I rejoined the world.

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4 Responses to A new stage in Life

  1. Jan says:

    We are the same age but it will be several years before I am in the same position. However I do have my own challenges, shortcomings and empty future to overcome before I become too old to enjoy my life. I will read your blog with interest and wish you much success.

    • Jacqui says:

      Seems to me from reading your blog and your FB page, you have a very full life. As for an empty future, I suspect your life will be brimming with interests you want to pursue and will explore. You are doing it already:)

      • Jan says:

        My life is full of caring for the family and the house. Rewarding for as long as it’s needed, but after that… what?

  2. Middle Child says:

    Glad to see you back here. How beautiful you were and are. My youngest had a short period thankfully with Anorexia/Bulimea after she had left home. Her then boyfriend kept telling her she had a tummy – she was all of 47kgs even then she got down to 37kgs and then finally admitted it to us when she came home for Christmas. If she had told me she was using heroin I would not have been more frightened for her. Luckily we were able to get her to see a Psychologist who helped her first by threatening to hospitalise her if she lost one more KG – she didn’t. She is only little so her present 47kgs looks fine – and at the time she made the decision to stop, she ditched the old boyfriend and met her now husband who was so loving and wonderful. I am glad to hear your story turned out as we.. Many of us sadly were raped and didn’t tell anyone. In my case I thought it wasn’t rape because the man threatened to rape me and instead of getting hit I gave in – learned later that this is rape as well.

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