So this is the time for me to develop myself as a person instead of being a wife or mother which has led to me neglecting myself over the years. Not that it was my husband or my kids fault, that was the life I chose to lead. Many, many, many times over the years I have wondered about the wisdom of that decision and whether it was decision or not. However the truth is I made the life I have and its not the one I want any more. So now I need to get on the path where I want to be.
To begin I need to update my image of myself. In my head I am still that shy slightly awkward 20 yr old who somehow ended up at art school. Everything about it, intimidated me, the place, the art and most importantly the people. I had an eating disorder that no one knew about and didn’t actually stop until my 2nd child was born.
My Mother who I love, intimidated me as she was like a lioness protecting her young, which meant she controlled my life. But I was happy with that at the time, it gave me security from the big bad ugly world.
That big ugly world became only too real, just before I turned 22 and I was raped. I was a virgin. I never told anyone until I met my husband and confided in him. I still haven’t told my parents and sisters about that night. To honest, I really don’t remember but obviously it had an effect on me as I then went out and into the bed of any guy who was interested. Fortunately I met Gordon and then the kids came along.
I will admit I have kind of drifted in life and had no real ambition but I am sure as a kid I did have that drive somewhere but it got lost somewhere along the way. Now I have to find it again and I know it going to be tough finding that person again, after basically all my adult life neglecting it. So this will be an exploration of this journey.
The new title of my blog is an exactly my life at the moment – looking out the window of my office, watching life go by. Its time I rejoined the world.