and as far as I can tell I have always been like that, even from a little kid, especially if I think it is an unfair assessment. It like a dagger that hits into my heart and soul. I immediately lash out and in the consequent, often end up in a worse position, apologising to the person who offended me
I have no idea what offended me when I was a seven year old but the teacher said something and I went ballistic which resulted in the teacher slapping me around the face. Of course I told my Mum about and that resulted in an even more interesting episode which sadly I don’t remember that well but safe to say I know who had my back that day 🙂
When I was at work (before the Kids) I would always end up in some stupid argument because I would store up all the supposed insults until my head would explode and a torrent of ill advised words would come stumbling out.
The other way I react to criticism is to say to myself, well if you think that way, I might as well give up and crawl back into my hole now, rather than accept that person might have a point. That is probably my normal reaction and it has been a handicap basically all my life as I give up before I even try.
That is certainly true of my painting/creative work. I will have sporadic forays which will last a few months to nearly a year before I give up again, creating excuses for my lack of purpose, the kids need me, Gordon works too many hours, I work too many hours, I don’t have the time, I don’t have the energy. None of them really barriers other than the barriers I decide to create.
Only yesterday, my reaction to something was way over the top and I had to stop myself from slipping into behaviour which could have gotten me fired for my attitude- I have an attitude at 53 🙂 Of course, it might back fire again because now I don’t have a voice as I work from home, I have to react via email. As my husband is quick to point out, sometime what you write, doesn’t necessarily translate the way you want it to. It took a good 45 mins to write, deleting comments which were basically sarcastic and which don’t often have good outcome. I think I succeeded but I might have negated that this morning when I had to put in a ticket about a work issue.
That is the final part of reaction to criticism, I tend to dwell on the incident way too long.
Well I wrote the above some weeks ago and true to form I have been reacting in a very defensive way to some negative feedback from my current job. Trouble is this job is from home and based purely on interaction via email. This a lethal combination. Not only am I angry but I get the chance to rant. Not surprisingly the reaction from the people concerned, has not be favourable and basically I have achieved nothing but upset them.
I am not a brilliant writer,the structure of my writing is rambling and abrupt. Also my brain goes faster than my fingers, so my spelling goes out of the window and sometimes it just plain doesn’t make sense.
After making this sort of mistake all my life you would think I would learn but obviously I am a slow learner but most importantly I am way too stubborn. It is not a good trait and I have no idea how to contain it
Anyway time to wrap up this post, pretty boring and that is my life really. I made the following comment to a friend via chat the other day when I was talking about moving back to Europe one day – ‘its only a house and I have no social life to leave over here’ Sad but true. More about that another day.