bad memories

the weekend of the wedding we stayed in a local hotel and I was sharing a room with Gordon (obvious) and his Dad.

I am not a good sleeper and I forgot to take my sleeping pills so eventually I fell into a fitful sleep. I know when I am sleeping as I dream very vividly so when I started to hear voices I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not. Then I heard Gordon low snoring (as opposed to his normal loud snoring)  and Jim moving around in his bed.

As I lay there, I heard a girl crying and saying ‘please stop’ Please don’t do that’ It continued for about 5-10 mins, I think I heard a someone else’s voice.  It sounded like it was outside and she was pleading for someone not to go ( I think, I heard her say that, but that might be my guilt saying that). I will be honest, it was disturbing but I just hunkered down in my bed, hoping they would go away.  I thought it might be one of Elisabeth’s friends who had gotten very drunk the night before and had a huge row with her boyfriend.  It stopped and I didn’t think about it again until later that day.

I really didn’t realise how badly it had affected me until later as I continued to hear those words in my head ‘ Please stop’ Please don’t do that” . By then though I was remembering that awful night I was raped when I was 21.  I remember saying those words or similar over and over, especially ‘please stop’, at the top of voice whilst my next door room-mate continually played ‘message in a bottle’ by the Police.  I don’t know if she heard me as that record was always played when she had her boyfriend  there and wanted to keep their activity private (it didn’t work).  I have never like that record since then.   I know people must have heard me, it was a large student hostel .

I never reported it much to my shame but mainly because another girl had been raped by a local man in the previous year or so.  She reported it as did her boyfriend who had been with her when it happened.  They subsequently got very badly beaten up by a local group of young people.  So I was scared as this was a local teacher.  Plus, I had been warned by a good friend that I was too flirtatious  and I was going to end up in trouble one day. I just laughed and said I would careful, so when it happened, I blamed myself.  Now I know differently but I can understand why girls don’t report it as its their word against his.  I have told my daughters never to accept that and have always told them to do what I didn’t do.

Now almost 2 wks later I am still hearing those words and hopefully writing about it will help.  At the time of the rape, I almost immediately put it to the back of my mind but it deeply effected my behaviour. Having been a virgin at the time, I then proceeded to sleep with several men, mostly one night and creeping out before they woke up. I got no joy from the activity. If I hadn’t of meet Gordon about 2 yrs later, I hate to think where I would have ended up as I would get as drunk as possible and end up in someone’s bed, usually a boyfriend but they were just a means to end, how to get drunk as quick as possible.

After I met Gordon, I definitely consigned it to the back vault in my head and that is where it stays until something triggers it.  The last time I had really bad time with it was when I was studying to become an art therapist.  I think the reason it has disturbed me this time, is because I was barely awake, I was unsure of what was happening and later it occurred to me what if?  I have always been upset that no-one heard my cries for help as I thought they did it deliberately but now I know I would have done the same. That is what saddens me 😦 most.

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